Harry Potter and Voldemort's Apprentice
by lolbutler
Summary: Post Gof - This is a story about Harry and his angst - mainly.


A dwelling, made of stone layer upon layer in circular dimensions small enough for a single room. All around there are no windows to see through, nothing but a hole in the roof. Inside a figure starts.

'If you were to heed my words, you shall be rewarded more than any mere mortal would achieve in a life time,' cackled Voldemort.

'Why don't you fuck off you creepy snake white bitch ass mofo.'

'Who the fuck are you?' Voldemort hissed.

'I'm Dumbledore's illegitimate son so suck my cock, bitch!' Kenny said.

[Cue Music: Theme from Bad Boys]

'Yeah, betch.'

5 weeks later

'Hermione, what the fuck do you think you're doing?' Harry asked.

'I'm trying to work the possible relations between core intersects that lead…'

'Shut the fuck up.'

'Hey, Harry.'

'Ron, shut the fuck up.'

Ron curled his lip. 'You've changed, Harry.'

'If it's you that you're talking about then I hope so because your hair is like crap on a winkle muffins pancake doodle widdlygums.'

'Hey man no need to use the 'W' word; my mum might hear you. If she does, her view of you will change forever!'

A knock on the door surprised Harry. Not only was it late at night but also nobody except the Order of the Phoenix was here. Who could it possibly be?

The door opened revealing huge knockers. Huge. God damn, indescribably huge.

'Ginny, what are you doing here?' Harry asked.

'I'm here to ask Harry…'

'You heard her, Ron, Hermione get the fuck out,' said Harry.

'No, Harry they can…'

'No. I tell them to get out, they get out. But… if Hermione's up to it we can have a three…'

'Harry I just wanted to ask you if you wanted dinner, Mum's finished cleaning up. You must be exhausted staying up here for the whole day because of Cedric's death upsetting you so much.'

'What's there to eat?'

'Oh, um, beans and steak.'

'No, I want pork and beans.'

[Cue music: Pork and Beans by Weezer]

'Well, we'll get some if you want.'

'Okay bitch you go now,' said Harry in a slightly Chinese accent.

Hermione looked up from her book, 'Did I or did I not just hear a China man talk?'

'Oh come on Hermione you have to get over your fear of Chinese people,' said Ron.

'I am not xenophobic! I am just freaked out whenever people look different,' retorted Hermione, 'Just like that little Scottish bitch Cho Chang.'

'…Freaked out whenever people look different…just like that little Scottish bitch Cho Chang.'

'What…?' Hermione turned around and saw Ron holding a tape recorder.

'I saw one of those please men on the tell vision using this to copy whatever the bad guy said. Cool, isn't it?' Smirked Ron who smiled like the little bitch he is.

'Oh snap! You just got owned noob! Hahahahaha! Now all we have to do is wait for a cat fight in the Great Hall.'

'This isn't funny, Harry! Give that to me before I slap you!' Hermione screeched.

'Too late I already uploaded it onto the Internet take a look.'

Ron pulled out his Mac and spun it around to show a picture of Hermione. Naked.

'What!?!? Where'd you get that!? GET IT DELETED! NOW!!' Screamed Hermione.

'No, no wait,' said Harry.

'What do you mean, WAIT!?'

'Yeah, I'm done.'

'Ron, delete it.'

'Yeah, wait, wait.'

'NOW!' she yelled.

'Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, mwait, mwa, ugh, ahhh, POWERPUFF GIRLS!'

'Okay, now dele…' Just at that moment Harry's godfather, Sirius Black burst in through the door.

'Harry, you've got to co…my word.'

'Umm…' Hermione stuttered awkwardly. 'I…umm…this…um...isn't me, it's someone that looks like me.'

Sirius Black was silent and staring intensely at the picture.

'Uh, Sirius, you got something to tell me?' asks Harry.

'Just wait will you.'

'Sure.'

Footsteps came pounding up the stairs and Mad-Eye Moody came crashing through the door.

Moody growled, 'Quick! For heaven's sake Voldemort has hatched a new plan it's an emergency!'

'Yeah mate bloody hell how am I supposed to finish with all these interruptions?'

'Well make it quick!'

17 minutes later.

Outside the room, Moody patiently waited for Sirius to finish his quest for glory. Tapping his wooden leg and drumming his fingers, he grew wearily impatient rather quickly. Well, not really quickly because it had been 17 minutes. Nobody takes that long. He knocked on the door and told Sirius to hurry.

Meanwhile…

'Ahh yes, this shall be a rather easy victory for us, my young apprentice. You have exceeded my expectations. Soon you shall be rewarded,' hisses Voldemort.

'Yeah bitch, I pop a cap in those gay mofos ass, you dig?' gibbers Kenny.

'Indeed, I dig,' laughs Voldemort.

Back at Grimmauld Place.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!'

'Harry, is it your scar again?' asks Hermione.

'No, Ron's being a twat.'

'What the hell I'm just sitting here.'

'Yeah well scre… AHHHHHHH!'

'Is it your scar?'

'Yes, and this time I feel that Voldemort is…oh let me guess…sad? Nope, that's not it. Umm…he's hungry. Yeah I definitely feel some hunger here. Oh wait, nope that's Ron being a twat.'

As the three chat away in their safe bubble of Grimmauld Place, a storm brews in the distance, like a teacup. Black and white clouds fuse together in turmoil; a sign signifying of what is coming, and what is yet to come. It will be this dark cloud, which will forever imprison the light from this world, and seal the fate of all in existence.

Three years later.

'Voldemort, you die NOW!'

'Ahhhhhhh.'

'Haha! I win!'

The End.

Epilogue

Sorry guys I cbf.


End file.
